Having trouble saying “no”? Here’s how to set better boundaries
You’re busy and your boss comes by with a new job. A fun job! “Will you….?” And spontaneously you say “yes”. On the way home, you hesitate. You’re already so busy. “Why on earth did I say ‘yes’?” “Saying “no” would have been better. Simple: you can’t pass up something nice. This is a habit where you forget to state your boundary. In this blog your first aid kit to; ‘help, I can’t say no’.
That was not smart, now it seems like I’m the only one….
Things haven’t been going well in your team for a while, ‘the we-feeling‘ is lacking and discontent is unlimited vented at the coffee machine. There is too much work pressure, the manager is away too much, the future is uncertain, and that transferred colleague is a thorn in everyone’s side….
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The rest of the team is silent
Then it’s time for a work meeting, and the manager says he feels things are not going well. Is that true? And you pluck up the courage and start talking. The rest of your colleagues remain silent. The manager then asks where all the negativity is coming from, and you get defensive.
You regret …
In hindsight, you regret opening your mouth…. “That wasn’t smart, now it looks like I’m the only one….,” you tell at home. And well, that has happened before. You are now in the habit of answering a question directly and honestly.
Habits are actually quite useful
Habits. We all have them. They are ingrained in our system. Like an autopilot, like a trail in the road. Very useful when it comes to speed, certainty and routine; they make our daily functioning run like a well-oiled machine.
Thinking about everything every morning? pfffft ….
Imagine if you had to think about every action every morning when you got up; it would take hours to get to work…. So it’s a good thing we develop habits.
And yet….
When I moved, in the following weeks, on my way to my new home, I took the wrong exit on the highway at least three times, namely the exit to my old home…. Irritating! My actions were not focused on the new situation, I really had to pay attention to how to drive.
But sometimes habits are unwise
Habits become unwise when they put you in a situation you don’t really want. Like saying “yes” to a fun job when you’re actually too busy. Or showing your hand entirely while not being supported by colleagues. Then such a habit can become ineffective, and it is necessary to reflect on that natural way of reacting.
We can reflect
Fortunately, we as humans have the ability to stand still, to consciously look at ourselves, and to choose different behaviors.
What about that wrong turn? Yes of course, you are absolutely right! It takes effort to change behavior, and misses are part of it, but by now I drive home in a straight line without a second thought.
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Examples of effectively setting boundaries
What if you have a habit that turns out to be ineffective or unwise? Then this approach and examples will help:
Here’s how you can effectively set better boundaries
- You are responsible yourself
Realize that you, and you alone, are responsible for your own reactions. You too could have said no to a nice job, and you could have remained silent like your colleagues. If you now say, “yes but I just can’t do that,” then make peace with this behavior, just keep doing as you did, and live with the consequences.
- Don’t beat yourself up
Don’t give yourself credit for the behavior. Right/wrong thinking does not fit habits, and guilt and shame are a waste of your time.
- develop practical new behaviors
Instead of unlearning old habits, which is difficult, you can develop new behaviors that help you with old habits. For example, if you are one of those spontaneous “yes” sayers, it can help you when you then negotiate the consequences: “I really want to do it, but then I have to drop something else…”.
Or if you are so honest and direct, it can help you develop tactical operating: tell your colleagues that you do want to say something, but only if they also have their say. Or if the manager asks “is that right?” you can say “yes it is, but I don’t want to be the only one talking about this.” Use clever and effective phrases to achieve your goal. - Feel free to return to an issue
Give yourself space to reflect back on certain responses. No one finds that strange, indeed people respect it. So saying to your boss, “I did say I want to do that job, but I want to go back on that.
I listed my current work, and it’s just too much”. Or, “I want to return to what I said in the work meeting. I was the only one who opened my mouth and that felt very unpleasant afterwards. There is dissatisfaction throughout the group and I think we should discuss that as a group”.
And now, to work
These tips will help you set better boundaries. Reading these tips is important but even more important is whether you will try 1 of the tips in practice. That is important to be able to do your job well and to keep your job satisfaction. You are ofcourse not waiting for a near burnout.
Free discovery call
Lacking assertiveness or selfconfidence?
Does it inhibit you at work and want to get rid of that? That's possible with our 40 days individual coaching program. Lets meet, see if we have a 'click' and if I can help you.
