The perfect recipe for staying upright in an difficult conversation
Does it ever happen to you that you suddenly get a ‘thunderstorm of words’ thrown at you by a colleague or your supervisor? Someone blames you for everything, points their finger at you or bangs their fist on the table. It is normal to respond to this aggressive behavior with a stress response such as fight, flight or freeze.
Yet you are not exactly looking forward to these intense feelings, which prevent you from exhibiting the behaviors befitting a professional. To keep responding in a neutral, assertive manner during such a difficult conversation, the following tips can help you avoid being blown over by someone and allowing intense emotions to take over.
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This is how to stay on your feet in difficult conversation
- Let the other person rage, wait until the storm passes.
- Take distance by detaching yourself from the situation. Just imagine circling a helicopter above yourself and looking down, or stand behind yourself in your mind and look at the situation. This way you disconnect yourself for a moment, allowing you to return to a neutral state to regulate your emotions.
- Keep your cool and don’t get defensive. Avoid impulsive reactions to insults or disparaging remarks.
- Do not get into an argument; there is no point in saying at that point that you disagree with him. This only encourages more aggression, with the risk that you will fall into fight-or-flight mode, where you can no longer think clearly.
- Stay confident and be careful not to clam up. Don’t crawl into your shell and pay attention to your body language. Put your feet firmly on the ground, do not look at the ground or over his shoulder.
- Count to ten before you say anything. Sigh deeply and weigh carefully what you are going to say.
- When he’s winded down, ask a question for him to think about: “What’s really going on here?
- Ask when the other person attacks you in front of others: ‘Do you really want to talk about that right now in this place?’ Or, “Shall we go to your office if you want to discuss something with me?
- Take a break. If it really gets too bad and you can’t take it anymore, walk away for a while or go do something else. Wait until the ‘storm’ is over and see if you can have a normal conversation again.
- Control yourself Do not adopt the offensive behavior. Never raise your voice or make aggressive movements yourself.
Keep breathing
Consider that someone who is out to argue would like you to respond. By not doing so, you avoid allowing the argument to develop further.
Listen stoically without responding, keep looking at the other person and deliberately let a silence fall when the person ceases raging. In this way, you give yourself the opportunity to temper your emotions and determine how you want to respond.
And above all, don’t forget to keep breathing!
If you apply this recipe (or parts of it) you will not avoid having that thunderstorm of words wash over you. However, you do now have knowledge and ideas on how to deal with this properly. This is good for your self-confidence.
Free discovery call
Lacking assertiveness or selfconfidence?
Does it inhibit you at work and want to get rid of that? That's possible with our 40 days individual coaching program. Lets meet, see if we have a 'click' and if I can help you.
